Negativity

Yes, shit happens, yes, life sucks. It's how it is once you're on your own, with your own bills, your own shit to deal with and nobody to really fall back onto. No mommy to tie your shoe, no daddy to tell you that you can stay home because you feel sick. No big brother to say everything's going to be okay. Life's just stupid, plain and fucking simple. And it's okay. Because we deal with it, and there are good, great and even awesome days, weeks, sometimes even months.

For some people it will be easier than for others. But for me, I got my own stuff, and for me, it sucks. And some days are easier than others. Today is one of those days where I reach a bit of a tipping point and just wonder why the fuck I am even bothering with the things that I do in life. When just being alive is already a trouble - just sitting still, doing damn all is already causing a headache, shaky eyes and what not. Just because I was so lucky to get born with some albinism.

So yes, for once, I am complaining about life on my blog, just to get it out of my system. Just to let people know that despite good intentions, that despite motivation, that despite the positive attitude to be productive, that I am just walking into a wall unable to do any fucking thing just because it prevents me from sleeping a full night, to get some rest. That it prevents me from feeling well because of lack of sleep. That it prevents me from being that positive, that productive, or whatever, just because I feel restless, since it feels that things move, my eyes shake, my headache increases, knowing it will make me feel nocuous by the end of the day, knowing it will be another 20 hour day, with another 4 to 6 hours of sleep.

I am tired that despite me trying to stay positive and doing things just for the sake of getting things done, to get through the day, or because they simply need to get done. That everything feels like a frustration, that everything feels like it takes twice as long, is twice as difficult, etcetera. And then you get hit by unexpected curveballs.

On days like this where I feel unwell, from like a bug or whatever, that I don't feel great because the heat is getting to me, and that I still have 500 things to do, all on top of waking up with a headache, trying to be nice to my friends, trying to do something positive, etc. Only to realise yet again that it's all minor stuff, it means nothing, and I end up snapping, misjudging, or anything else that I would normally not think, say or do if I wasn't having these fucking issues.

So yeah, I feel like shit physically and like today, mentally as well. It is frustrating, especially knowing I had it yesterday, today and will have it again tomorrow, so I am kinda pissed off right now because of it. Apologies to all my friends who experience my negativity, but thank you to those who are understanding.

Right now my life feels pretty worthless, and I know I will have better days and that things will feel better soon. But right now I am just fucking done being that pathetic loser with no job, no friends, no fucking life that's worth anything. Just because of that fucking albinism being in the way ruining so much, day in and out.

Dear life, go fuck yourself, I am tired of your shit, go bully someone else.

Next Article: A Thousand Saturdays