Nope, not going to charge my batteries so I am ready to talk to others. I am not going to sit here waiting for others to show up and give me attention. I am not going to be there for others for once and give them their attention. I want to avoid conflict, frustration, irritation, or a smile, some love, or a snuggle. There’s no need for anything right now. My brain is full, my world is getting griefed and my walls are crumbling. ‘Things’ are piling up and everything appears to be undetermined.
tldr; For myself, I just need to be in my own little world for a while. Just for a moment. I need myself. To be myself.
Finding myself is something different than running into myself and dealing with confrontation. Time moves, forward, we experience it ‘that way’, and I can’t stop what is ahead of me, what’s the logical cycle of life and what I just simply have to go through. So, no, sorry Universe, not today. Floris is closed. Shut down, get out. Go bother someone else.
My dreams, my void, my moot arguments, my intensely meaningful reasoning, and anything in between from having a shit to idling on the balcony in a rainstorm with a cup of tea. My mind, my thoughts, my movements, my decisions, my .. self. My little world today.
After asking Siri to just get lost the lights turn off slowly as I dwindle away in a sleep. No noise, no background chatter, no pokes and no calls. No shaky eyes, no headaches, .. just nothing. I experience nothingness. And it’s close to feeling normal. Dreams, they happen, REM sleep achieved, waking up with a smile and moving on. Not checking any systems, any devices, not trying to share a smile with anybody. Just a cup of tea and I am even ignoring the cat at this point. I smile and step into the light rain on the balcony and sit in the corner, no wind, no rain. Feet up, tea down, cat on lap asking for food. Later. You can wait.
I charge my phone and ignore the pokes and calls that I missed, I put my earbuds in and turn on some loud music and disappear with my eyes closed feeling the cold wind trying to touch me to tell me to go inside and do what the Universe wants from me. Yeah. go fuck yourself. not working today.
My little world, my experiences, my choices to clean and tidy or not, and move things around and throw stuff out, or whatever. When i am in the kitchen I give the cat some food and give her a pet, well there. I shared some love.
Easter is over, I spent time with family, I had a rough week of emotions and headaches and the stress of real life. I just want to sit here and hear the noises and be entertained, to feel silence ~ no vibrations from anything in this world. Life would be perfect right now if this was a post apocalyptic world and there’s nothing but the weather to create a tremble underneath my feet. It is pretty Zen, blocking out the world, diving into my mind and ignoring the thoughts.
The lights turn on in the apartment as the weather gets worse, and the devices are now charging so I can leave my apartment whenever I want to. I throw some laundry in the machine and go through a todo list for online and offline stuff and sit down after washing my hands. Cracking open a can of soda, enjoying the ice cold drips against my lips and the texture of something sweet. Earbuds in again, phone on a podcast, and let’s just sit there in a different world for a few hours. Airplane mode on, I don’t want any unexpected disruptions expecting my attention. Family, friends, life, bills, .. it can wait. If i was dead you’d all forget me after a short period of time. So just a day without me should be manageable.
Loudly I scream along with the lyrics of 30 Seconds to Mars, their hidden track. I wish I could play the drums. I make a mental note to visit my niece this Summer to learn how to play some drums and this song.
A look at the time and I notice it turned from 4am to 6am to 12pm, and time had no grip on me. Nothing mattered.
Is that the trick though? Don’t care about others, be selfish, disappear in a world of ignorance and find happiness when you believe that nothing matters? Surely I have that wrong. For today though, i am a little step closer. Stronger for tomorrow.
How will I find myself? It is as if I remember a decade ago I would have the obvious answer, and now I am struggling to find where to start finding a response to that question.
Who I was when I was younger, or as a teen, what went on in my mind. My universe, my world, my moments, my mind, my soul. It seems to have been someone, growing, growing towards something. It was as if it had a goal. That feeling, it is now so far behind me, away from me.
In my book I once wrote that the a delightful thing about falling apart as men is that we can get up and start again. Maybe I have learned that each time I break, I am like water and slip through fingers trying to hold me up, while I try to be so powerful that I can hold up a boat, but in reality pieces of me get washed away by being who I am.
Today, I close my eyes and I feel who I am, making sure I won’t lose it all.
A confusing post? Shrug, I wrote this for me, not you. Sorry.