Ugh, a negative post. I am sorry. But I feel like explaining a bit more why I wasn’t online much the last couple of weeks. It’s because my albinism kept me awake, put me in pain, and made it kind of impossible to do anything normal.
tl;dr The stress on my eyes got the better of me. Restless feeling, lousy sleep, groggy wake ups, continues headaches, and being overly sensitive to lights and sounds.
The reason why I have these bad days or bad weeks is a bit of a mystery to me. And since I’ve spent nearly ten years since the age of eight to figure it out, I have no interest to figure it out anymore right now. I accepted this is my life and I am making the best of it.
It happens once in a while that I just can not handle the shakes of my eyes, the stress on them that it causes, and the sensitivity to UV light or just bright days, or whatever it is. It prevents me from falling asleep when my brain is overflowing with motivation to do stuff but I just can’t. Insomnia is a result, which makes me feel even worse.
Days are long, nights are longer, sleeps are tiny naps here and there, appetite is gone and when I eat it’s probably unhealthy. Lack of motivation kicks in and it’s hard to put a smile on my face when people expect you to be as normal as they are.
Pounding headaches from exhaustion and sensitivity to the light, the inability to sometimes even look at a screen or out a window. And it got so bad this time that sounds were even affecting me.
I stayed clear of social contact the best I could. And I wasn’t really able to concentrate on anything or do anything. It really isn’t fun. It’s not vacation. And it ruined my agenda for a few weeks, because catching up is going to cause bad days as well.
Fighting this cycle of ‘stuff’ that is going on is tough. I have to force myself to feel happy, do well, eat healthy. I have to tell myself it’s temporary, that I know this happens once a year or maybe twice (that it’s this bad). And that I will come out okay on the other side. But putting on a half fake smile and not telling people off because whatever they do or say seems loud and irritating… it’s really hard, and difficult to explain.
To properly fight it I have to tell myself to at least try sleep at x hours, for y hours, and take an extra nap if I feel tired enough to give it an extra time. I have to force myself to do fun things, have a coffee somewhere, but alone. And come home right after. I have to leave alone the regular stuff you do daily, maybe skip a shower, maybe not clean the place. Throw the trash out tomorrow to avoid daylight, etc.
Sometimes you feel like just hitting your head against the wall so you at least know why you have a headache, and at least you stop feeling the other annoying one you’ve had for three days in a row. Or just accept the side effects from certain medication, and ignore the disappointment when they don’t even seem to do anything. Being responsible and patient is tough, especially when you’re motivated to watch movies, go biking, see people, have fun with others, do things for each other, and write blogs, play guitar, etc. It sucks when your mind and body want to do all that, but you just cannot.
It is even more tough to interact with people. I am scatter brained after a couple of days of constant pain and frustration. And when you misunderstand someone it creates friction. Or you seem inpatient, and it’s hard for others to just always be understanding. And when you’re really fighting what can result a depression or something along those lines and look for some sympathy… it’s mentally a bit of a blow when you are just annoying to others and they tell you to stop whining.
It makes you feel isolated, alone, and frustrated that it’s so impossible for others to not know what you’re going through. I sometimes worry what if I am not this strong or am not the person that can handle this and feel alone, pushed away because I am just annoying to them when I am grumpy and want a hug so I don’t give up?
My daily routine fall apart, and I had to try and cling on to the little things. Discontinue blogging and other stuff that requires me to spend hours behind a screen. So I am sorry that I disappeared for a couple of weeks. The drafts were still being written, ideas were still floating around in my head. And projects are still in the making. But it just wasn’t worth publishing, I rather do it well enough, than ‘eh’ just about okay enough.
Okay, enough of this explaining. I am probably already oversharing and you might (or not) think that I want sympathy now or whatever. No, it’s all good. We all have our worries and troubles in life. I am merely explaining with a bit more detail why I haven’t been posting blogs. I had an excuse, I wasn’t being lazy or busy with something I found more important. The drafts were being written, ideas were being brainstormed, discussions were had about future things to come. And testing with equipment was done the best I could. But mainly, I’ve been in the dark, literally, trying to just get through the day.
But! I am back, well, I hope. History tells me that it is a day, or a couple of days. Or a week, sometimes two. This was one of those times where it was about two weeks. And I feel a lot better, less headaches, and I sleep better. However, I have to keep clinging on to the little things, work slow and don’t overdo it. Catching up is going to take another week or so. There is no use testing my eyes if they can do power hours and then being out of it for a few more weeks. Usually I am fine now, and I just have to take it easy. So, hello, I am Floris, this is my blog, and fuck the world. Back to posting.
What do we have in store? It’s a new month, and Mail Bag is being in the works, something’s cooking. Oh, and talking about cooking. ‘Cook Club’ has been discussed and welcomed with open arms. More about that soon. I’ve been looking through old interviews and a website idea I had ten years ago and I want to repurpose that old idea. Game-day is fun, we just had it and I have to find the time to collect all the movies and photos and edit it. So, all sorts of stuff!
Apple has an event this month, so I am sure I have something to say about that once we know more. There are a few Minecraft posts in the works about auto-sorting, mcMMO tree feller tricks, and something about a guardian-grinder. Anyway, hopefully something for everybody. So please stay tuned.