Life is a little unfair at times. Best intentions, hope, trust, or emotions. They tend to play tricks on you. It seems the more one cares for the other – a friendship, relationship, just a family member – the more these negative feelings can pile up, cause friction, and eventually hurt each other. Kind of unfair, and I really wish I could avoid it completely.
Silly, how it means less when a stranger (or just someone you know) says something. But when it’s someone who you’ve got invested feelings for, that their words or actions (or mine) weight so much more. The balance tips from everything being super-awesome to everything feels like it is the end of the world. The rollercoaster of emotions play tricks with my head, my emotions, and causes friction that have an affect on both parties. It really sucks, sigh. There should be an undo button for life moments.
Online friendships and relationships are even harder, you miss body language, intentions, and you can’t see what’s going on in the life of the other person. Figuring out what they mean with their words or actions, versus how it appears to seem like to yourself .. almost impossible to do. It feels unfair that it’s unclear at times, that we blow up over something really small because we misinterpret some situation. And it feels unfair that we can’t work anything out because it’s so easy to just ignore or block the other person. I wish there was time to just sit together on a couch and ‘I know, it’s okay’, by just being able to see each other’s facial expression, body language, etc. Now it’s a guessing game.
But even if we know better, or think we just need time. It is hard to let go, because emotions are meh. They stick around even if we don’t want them to. Because we feel regret, or just feel hurt, or maybe because it’s unresolved and we’re sorry that we have something negative going on. I think if we really think about it. Be it a friend, a girlfriend, or whatever, that we only wish the other person to be happy, safe, and be well. We both surely don’t want to argue, have hurt feelings, walk around with meh emotions.
It sucks that the more we care, it seems that it hurts a little more than usual. And that any negativity feels like you’re being torn apart, that just knowing each other seems impossible and everything is ruined, that it results in a farewell. I am really not having fun investing so much in a friendship, a relationship, whatever.. and feeling that I can lose it all when emotions play with my mind and feelings when something goes wrong.
I try to be respectful, honest, considerate, flexible, tolerant, and give the benefit of the doubt, ask to talk about things, to resolve it. I try to figure out someone’s point of view or their side of the story. But it’s hard, when things seem to be one way, emotions tell you another, a gut feeling informs you to be cautious, and the reality usually being different. It flips my mind upside down. It affects me, and I have a hard time handling hurt feelings. They linger, I can’t sleep. I want to just talk and say sorry (sorry that there’s a situation in the first place), and get it out of the way.. so we can go back to positive feelings, remove the knot in the stomach and share a smile and a hello instead.
Usually though, I walk around with meh feelings until I know the other party wants the same, or never wants to see me again. I wish I could just let go like others seem to be able to.