Mama, ik mis je.

In the last five years real life friends have left my life, in 2017 I worked so hard to fight my depression, and made plans to improve my life, my finances, my health, my social life. In 2018 my cat passed away, in 2019 my father passed away, 2020 has been a global pandemic, and my brother also took my mother to court over the inheritance (why!!). In 2021 the judge had a verdict at the end of August, my mother passed away about a week later early September.

Sigh, I doubt 2022 will be any better. I can’t do this anymore, it’s tearing me apart, I am out of energie, I haven’t been happy in so long, and the only reason I am still alive is because I do not believe in suicide.

I miss her and my father so much. I hope my mother now has peace, that she can rest. But it makes me wonder how much happier and healthier the last few years of her life could have been instead.

Can you imagine being someone that disrespects their parents in such a manner? I once had a brother I loved and looked up to, my big bro. This isn’t him, I do not recognize him anymore, I do not look up to him, I do not love him anymore. In fact, I am ashamed and disappointed, and I wish I could have mourned my father with my mother, instead of being awake at night wondering how this all ends – comforting her as she cries on calls. And I wish I could mourn my mother, instead of having insomnia and being unhealthy physically and mentally now, wondering how to make it to the next day. It is time I will never get back.