Oof, it would be much easier if you could just take a little looksy inside my brain – read my thoughts – to understand better what I wish I could all write down. We cannot do this, however, I can journal a bit, share a bit, and blog. About the last five years, and why they’ve been so turbulent for me. Resulting in health issues due to chronic stress, and losing some (social) confidence in things such as being able to put trust in others.
In fact, this isn’t really a story about just five years, this is a struggle of nearly a decade now, but I’ve already been able to leave a darker period behind me. After fighting to deal with life itself, fighting to get out of a depression, I ended with bad moment after bad moment, and only recently coming out of it on the other end. And it will all take me a long time to process everything. This isn’t over. My journey to find trust in others again, to deal with this trauma, to deal with loss in the family, and loss of confidence in many things. This journey only started now.
My life is fairly simple, I do not have a lot going on. But each time I work so hard to find a slither of happiness, a reason to be alive, and I’ve worked hard to try and find-, or be myself, I get a pushback, and then things pile on top. And what I am working on gets pushed forward, into the future. My life feels like it’s being put on hold.
And… [break.. halt, pause, stop] You know what.. I wrote 17 paragraphs after this, explaining the situation. Only to realise how angry it made me. How furious I am as to how it all went. i deleted it. What my parent’s oldest son has done since 2019 is not getting any attention on my site here.
.. I hope I find myself again. I hope I get to a point where I can mourn the loss of my parents. I hope I can deal with this chronic trauma. I don’t know how to move forward, yet. But I know that I will never forget, and never forgive.