crap night

For as long as I can remember, I have seen everybody around me moving forward, having a life, and progressing. I don’t know how you all do it. Clearly, I do not belong here.

Imagine that, participating in life for ‘spek en bonen’. I’ve felt like that before I was a teen, as a teen, as an adult, and I still feel like that.

My apologies for always being so negative. It’s been a decade or so of dealing with daily pains, trauma, loss, etc. I don’t have much positivity left to share. It’s really a daily struggle, mentally and physically. I could also not write this, and you could switch to Instagram and flip through pictures of cats or whatever.

Ha. That realization that you’re at the point in your life where you’ve pushed away enough people enough times, just to avoid ‘feeling sick’ after doing something fun, that they’re used to the disappointment. So they don’t even ask or include you in anything anymore.

Or the other realization about how many communities I’ve started, how many people I’ve supported with their thousands of questions, not to mention the era of the horses. But here I am today, looking around, wondering where those ‘friends’ are. Knowing they don’t even know me—really know me.

The world has moved on. Not me, though. Still the same daily headaches, monthly migraines, hourly changes in feeling sick. The daily pains, the health issues, the mental struggles, the limits in life, the walls I run into, watching everybody step away. And doing it all alone.

Enjoy your ‘huisje boompje beestje’, your vacations, job, social life, and ability to take action to move forward. I know I have never been a part of it. The world is just moving by me.

I can’t wait to see how I lie awake another four hours, only to sleep for three, and wake up with another surprise that ruins my day. And then I’m stuck in my apartment, waiting for the evening so I can try again.

Yeah, that’s sarcasm. I can’t wait anymore. Just… done. I don’t have the energy anymore to deal with the trauma from family, my lifetime of chronic health and eye issues, and all the other klotezooi.

Just drained. I’ve lost interest in trying: to move forward, to do my best, to keep it in, to try.

So here I am, admitting that I am aware of my worth.

Life can move on, the universe can win. I will accept that the same crap from when I was 7, 17, 27, and 37 is still here at the age of 47, and it’s just more of it, more at the same time. And I will accept that I don’t have the energy anymore.

It is what it is.

Anyway, it’s almost 6:30. You folks will be waking up soon to enjoy your weekend the best you can. Me, on the other hand, I have had a nice panic attack, three days of headaches until I saw colorful spots in my vision, and two sessions of 3.5 hours of sleep spread over four days. And that’s a good week. Time for me to lie awake again for hours, hoping for temporary relief through sleep.

Just drained. I don’t feel like I am ‘me’. And I can no longer imagine my situation, health, or anything improving.

Have a nice weekend, and I will see you again the next time I am at the end of my rope.